Just this weekend I took my mask off at our 1st Annual Domestic Violence Maskquerade and spoke my truth. I spoke publicly for the 1st time about one of my domestic violence encounters that happened in 2007! It was tough because I never told my kids or my family; but was oh so worth it because I feel free from my secret pain I’ve been living with and a heavy weight lifted off of my shoulders!
For many years I was in denial, tucked those memories away in a box and threw away the key. I thought because I didn’t have permanent scars to constantly reminding me, as long as I didn’t think about it, hell it never happened! Honestly, this was easy for me at this time because 1) I was numb; 2 ) no one truly knew what I was going through at the time and 3) I became very good at masking the truth and hiding my true pain. Listen, my abuser slapped me in the face once, but he never blacked my eyes, busted my lip or left visible marks for everybody else to see. Instead he would hold me down and hit me in the body or legs. I would have bruises, rug burns, and scratches on my back, shoulders, legs and chest, from fighting him off of me and defending myself. He would break sh*t, put holes in my walls, threw 1 of my cell phones in the woods and 1 in the wall because he said I paid more attention to my phone than I did to him. Not to mention he threw an iron at me one day. Not only was he physically abusive, he was verbally abusive powder head too! If I did or said something he didn’t like, it was nothing for me to be a STUPID B*TCH, DUMB HOE, SELFISH MOTHERF*CKER, or whatever the hell he wanted me to be at that time. It was terrible walking on egg shells not being able to truly be yourself in your own house. Never again, never again. I made that promise to myself.
So listen, one weekend me and my GA fam took a road trip, we went back home to visit my sick grandmother. When I got back to GA late Sunday night, I called him and asked him to ride with me to drop my cousin off across town and of course he didn’t. He was too damn busy entertaining his company in my house, mind you! So you know I’m pissed off and feeling some kind of way, but anyway! I get to the house and walk in to a cloud of smoke and to a house of n*ggas! I went straight back to my room and my neighbor came back to check on me to see how my trip went. While we were back there talking dude got jealous and I could hear him in the front talking sh*t to his people like “did my girl just walk in here and go straight to the back???? Is she back there telling another n*gga how her trip was??” Then I heard “EVERYBODY OUT” like Ike in “What’s Love Got To Do with it!” When he came back to the room he was talking big sh*t of course, and my fly ass mouth didn’t help either! Anyway my neighbor walked out of the room and before I knew it, he was straddling over me choking me like hell, with the look of evil in his eyes. I couldn’t talk, scream or breathe, then I slowly felt myself blacking out. Good thing my neighbor didn’t leave out of my house because he saved my life that night. He ran back into my room and scared dude up off of me. After that encounter he left and I eventually let him come back a couple months later. Sadly, this wasn’t the 1st abusive episode and it wasn’t the last.
Listen, I realized after my marriage ended, my self-esteem was SO low I was vulnerable, weak and gullible which allowed dude to swoop in and take over my mind, body and soul. Man, when I tell you, I went from a bad situation to a worse situation. BUT GOD! It wasn’t a fight or argument that made me realize I was better than that, it was a God sent angel who was going thru and we crossed paths at Grady hospital. A friend of mines was shot and I was outside in the smoking section and she was crying, praying, pacing and smoking! I finally spoke to her and she told me her daughter was upstairs fighting for her life because her boyfriend shot her in the head. This is when I KNEW I HAD TO FLEE from that situation because I have 3 kids that need me, I knew for damn sure I can’t put my family especially my mama thru that and I still had things I wanted to accomplish in this lifetime. I promise you about 2 weeks later dude left but he stalked me like hell until I moved out. I mean I damn near had to hide my car so he wouldn’t think I was home. Now, I aint gone lie, after not talking to him for months and I felt like I was over him completely, somehow we started talking again. I saw him again once and all of the old memories surfaced again and that was my confirmation “No SIR THIS AINT IT.”
To those still involved in an abusive relationships just know there is light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t matter if the abuse is physical, mental, or emotional abuse, abuse is abuse. You can’t worry about the who, what, when, or how! The only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is your LIFE and YOUR CHILDREN’S LIVES! There are so many resources out here that offer assistance to help you along the way. You may struggle for a little while, but just know you are better and bigger than your situation and most of all it’s not about you! I praise God everyday for bringing me thru my situation so I can share my testimonies and be a blessing to others stuck, afraid to walk away and looking for a way out. Stay prayed up because God got you!